Here is a great conversation to have with someone you might be moving into intimacy with. The acronym is RBDSMA. There is 'BDSM' in the middle, making it kind of easy to remember. Just add 'R' at the front, and 'A' at the end!
You and the other person or people can simply take turns going through the list of discussion points below. It can take a long time, or a short time. Up to you. Make sure to ask for clarity on what the other person said, if you need it.
Relationships
Who would be affected by us connecting? Maybe it is a partner, an ex-, a family member. You can also talk about what level of transparency you have with the person or people who would be affected by your connection. For example, if you are in an open-relationship, maybe you share all of your connections with your primary partner. This information is good for the person you might connect with to know.
Boundaries
What physical or non-physical things do you not want part of this experience? Some examples are anal penetration, pain, slapping and biting, penetration before I'm ready, etc. When you talk about boundaries, you can also talk about barriers for STI's and pregnancy: is it your preference to use a condom or some other barrier, or not? You might say 'I am not taking any contraception and would like to use a condom,' or 'I am in the most fertile period of my cycle and would like to use a condom.'
Desires
What physical or non-physical things do you want to include in this experience? If you name it, you're more likely to get it! You can be specific. For example, you might say 'if you are on top of me, I would love for us to look at each other in the eyes,' or 'I love back scratches.' You may want to just go with the flow, or to let things evolve organically, but naming a couple of things as desires gives the other person or people a clear indication of some points you can hit together if the opportunity arises.
Sexual Health
When did you last get tested for sexually transmitted infections, what did you test for, and what were the results? How many partners have you had unprotected sex with since you last got tested, and what is their sexual health status? If you are exchanging juices with someone, there is going to be a risk of transmitting sexual infections, so it is important to let the people we are connecting with know about what level of risk they are taking on. It lets them make an informed choice. You knowing this information about your potential partners lets you make an informed choice.
Meaning
What will this connection mean to you in the morning, or next week? Maybe connecting with someone intimately means that you will need to get married! Or maybe, for you, you know you will think of it as a sweet, one-time connection.
After-Care
How would you like to be followed-up with after this connection? Do you need a text message the next day, or a follow-up call? It is beautiful to care for each other after we have intimately engaged, and it is especially beautiful to do it in a way that the other person desires.
This whole conversation could take 10 minutes, or two hours. My advice would be not to labor it too much. Speak about what comes to you in each section, but keep the back-and-forth going between you and your partner/s. If any issues arise from the answers, then you have a great opportunity to talk about them! If you get to the end of the conversation and are not feeling good about continuing the connection, then you are empowered not to go any further.
The point of this conversation is to understand one another and create a sense of safety for the connection. It is impossible to guarantee satisfaction and safety in the bedroom, but through conversations like this we can be aware of risks, feel into one another, and make the possibility of having a beautiful experience more likely.
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